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Though Lindsay Lohan has a well-earned reputation as a Hollywood bad girl, LiLo is now drawing the line at nudity. After recreating nude Marilyn Monroe shots for New York magazine, the actress has passed on a reported $700,000 offer from Playboy to pose au naturel in the publication’s 55th anniversary edition in January. “If there's nudity, then the answer's no,” a Lohan rep firmly told Playboy.

Meanwhile, 13-year-old Youngstown, Ohio, self-described masturbator Jimmy Steck—recently quoted here on his reaction to Mel B considering posing for the magazine—took time away from playing Grand Theft Auto to speak to the press on the Lohan decision. “I already told you guys, Playboy sucks,” stated an annoyed Steck. “Besides, though I’m all about girl-on-girl action, Lohan’s girlfriend doesn’t even look like a girl. More like Steve from Little League, yeah, that’s who she looks like, and just thinking about that guy would ruin anyone’s masturbation."

Sitting down at his computer where the enterprising youngster has amassed a bookmark list of more than 200 websites of "prime masturbatory stuff," Steck summarized his position. "Lohan can be in Playboy or not. What do I care? Now stop bugging me."

And now, a quick taste of tonight's gripping espisode of The Soup. If you're an American, there are two major issues you're no doubt consumed with: the presidential race, and who will be proclaimed the winner of America's Next Top Model. Both contests are still up in the air, but at least the one with Tyra is a step closer to resolution, as cocksure contestant Sharaun has her fate handed to her on a tear-stained glossie. As if that's not enough, hear Hannah's bold views on nuclear war, an issue that concerns even top models. For more hilarity, tune in to The Soup tonight at 10/9c.

They're hardly kids and they're far from new, but rest assured, New Kids on the Block are still a great source of entertainment. And by entertainment we mean mockery, of course. When the aging boy-men drop in to share with The View, they not only reveal their formidable child-siring capabilities, but sing an ancient "hit" that an audience of screaming girls really can't recall. Don't forget, there's all the Soup you can swallow tonight at 10/9c.

In what can only be interpreted as a desperate cry for help, Tyra Banks has released a raw video plea begging viewers to supply topics for her show, which is apparently bankrupt of subject matter. After approaching studies such as I’m a Teen With an STD, I’m a Tall Woman Attracted to Short Men, My Family Teases Me for My Weight, Are You Tired of Constantly Competing With Your Mom for Men, The Internet Ruined My Life and Are You Tyra’s Biggest Fan (check, check and check!) Banks is demanding fans send in ideas that “are big, baby, headline-grabbing...big, explosive, baby, put out!”

The Soup Blog has obtained exclusive footage of what a Banks insider claims to be the debut episode of season four, "unless we can find something more explosive. "

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With his new action thriller Bangkok Dangerous set to hit screens nation wide, Nicolas Cage has revealed a newfound approach to his craft. “On my path of film acting, I've been trying to think more and more internationally, trying to have a global mind,” the Oscar-winning actor told the Los Angeles Times. “That means going to foreign countries and working with filmmakers who have a special point of view that will reinvent me in an alternative light."

According to Hollywood Soup Blog sources, Cage later elaborated on his statement: “In my past film roles, I’ve pretty much relied on opening my mouth real wide and furrowing my brow to express intensity. Now, thanks to the filmmakers who have a special point of view, I realize I can just open my mouth.

"Also, when something serious is happening, like when I have to shoot somebody while I'm wearing an ironic Hawaiian shirt, I can go with the brow thing and keep my mouth closed. And kind of staring really hard at something, even when it’s not necessary, you’re going to be seeing a lot of that from me.” Furrowing his brow, Cage added, “It’s basically a total reinvention."

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Rarely does the Soup Blog step into the political arena, but when it comes to healing our divided nation, the door swings wide open. Outspoken vice-presidential candidate and Republican super MILF Gov. Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention has drawn battle lines among the women of our nation, much as the female characters on NBC’s Lipstick Jungle war among themselves. 

So let us turn to Jungle star Brooke Shields' cause célèbre, the Tupperware Chain of Confidence. As the global spokesperson for the plastic tubs that keep things fresh, Shields reveals that the Chain “instills confidence in women and young girls.” Regardless of your stance on the issues, couldn’t you use a little more of that, ladies? In fact, at the Chain of Confidence website, Brooke’s recorded message urges you to voice “confidence messages” for your friends involving tips on “health, relationships, beauty and finance.” And perhaps how to keep that pot roast from going stale.

Welcome once again to the new home of Condensed Soup—you loved it on Yahoo, now keep loving it right here!

Speaking of love, enjoy the deliciously twisted hate served up on The Bold and the Beautiful, where bears love honey. Especially when it's slathered on a foxy woman bound to a chair. Then take a trip to The Principal's Office, where a bad student is chastised for speaking Turkish. And apparently he's not just saying "bath." Plus, find out what Joel wants you to do when he says "Seacrest is short." Don't forget to tune in Friday night at 10/9c  for your full-size helping of The Soup. 

Bruce Glikas / Getty Images, Edward Opinaldo, PacificCoastNews.com, Zuma

As the Sept. 9 release date for actress/singer/entrepreneur/blonde Jessica Simpson’s alleged country album, Do You Know, approaches, the Internet is abuzz over the title cut, a duet with Nashville legend Dolly Parton. The song features the two women romantically serenading each other in no uncertain terms:

“Lying here beside you in the dark/ I feel the steady rhythm of your heart/ Feel your face against my shoulder/ Breath upon my skin/ Embers barely smoldered/ I make love to you again,” sings Jessica to Dolly before they unite to admit, “Nothing in this world compares to this/ The way our bodies fit/ The way we kiss.”

At least one blogger hypothesized that the part was originally slated for Kenny Rogers, but, according to marketing analyst Steve Bosworth, the Parton duet was a savvy idea on Simpson’s part. "Lesbian chic is on fire right now, what with Ellen and Portia and LiLo and Samantha," said Bosworth. "Dolly may be from a different generation, but she’s still hot. Those are titties Samuel Jackson would approve of.”

Any scotched collaboration with the Gambler would be for the best, Bosworth stated. “Can you imagine the sheer horror of sweet young Jessica making love with Kenny? The man’s 42 years her senior! He’s probably got Roaster crumbs in his beard! For once Simpson’s on the right track.” 

If you've ever thought to yourself, "Gee, I'm a responsible, tax-paying homie, but do I really deserve a car?" your answer is here. And it is yes. Thanks to Soup affiliate Tracy Beth Allen, we can all share in this healthy affirmation from the eloquent brother at I Deserve a Car. Tired of rolling around in a hoopty? Tired of haters making you pay 24 percent interest? These are just two of the questions raised here, thankfully (for certain nonstreetwise individuals) with translation. Hoopty: A less than desirable car. Hater: One who can't stand to see others succeed. Enjoy.

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As we reported last week, the United Kingdom's linguistics community was mystified by the asterisk-laden word in a headline offering Kate Moss’ statement, “All men are b******s.” Now, that riddle has been solved.

“After thorough investigation, we’re convinced it’s bastards,” declared Oxford University’s Dr. Martin Longbranch-Stlin. “Moss’ theory is groundbreaking. And, astonishingly enough, our research so far indicates that it's true. In some way, all men really are bastards.”

Though Longbranch-Stlin’s findings have been widely accepted among linguists, media attention has focused on Roark Lemmon, a Miami-based mystery shopper and leather enthusiast who refutes the theory. “My partner, Kyle Menninger, is in no way, shape or form, a bastard,” read a press release issued today by Lemmon. “He’s actually a complete bitch. I, however, am a bastard, which Mr. Menninger loves and respects.”

When contacted with the news, Longbranch-Stlin expressed shock: "If this chap really is a bitch, it represents a crucial flaw in Moss' theorem. We're going to have to do some major rethinking. At least he's not a son of a bitch."

For years, the Travel Channel's Samatha Brown has let us see an exciting, exotic world world through her eyes. Now, thanks to Soup Blog hound Over.gm, red-wine-swilling Brown reveals the best time to put a little salami into her mouth.

Boy oh boy, what better way to kick off the season on 90210 than with some fellatio! Suggested, of course, but a suggestion that Annie finds a bit hard to swallow, especially when the guy she spies recieving the oral pleasure is her ex-BF Ethan. Yikes!